Wedding Showers/Bachelorette Parties

Before specific rules are discussed, it is important to go over a few important things to keep in mind.

• Believe it or not, these events are supposed to be FUN. While it is okay to rehash silly pranks or stupid things the bride-to-be did in their youth, it is NOT okay to attempt to embarrass or degrade the bride to the point of tears. Keep the idea of fun in mind when planning these events. This is NOT a time to bring up the time she accidently ran over your cat or the abortion she had before meeting her fiance.
• The bride is SUPPOSED to be the center of attention. This is NOT a time to announce that you are pregnant, your getting a divorce, you are getting married, you've decided to change your gender, or that you are coming out of the closet - wait til the next day. If you feel you simply will be unable to contain this news, it might be a good day to call in sick (you have already practiced your fake cold for work, right?)

Now for the specifics >:)

• When purchasing a present - there are these really kewl things called GIFT REGISTRIES. They make purchasing gifts extremely easy, and it ensures the happy couple will actually use what you give them. If you REALLY don't have money, there are usually items that are pretty cheap (wash clothes, table cloths, napkins, ect;) you don't have to buy the refrigerator they put on the list as a joke. Homemade crafts may seem like a good idea, but unless you want to see it at the second hand store in three months - stick to the registry and help them start their life out with shit they want.
• Keep in mind the other people that will be at the event. If all of the participants will be approximately the same age, sometimes sexual enhancement gifts can be appropriate (depending on your relationship with the person and the maturity level of the other party goers). No one wants to open a dildo or edible underwear in front of their grandmother. It may seem funny at the time, but it is extremely tacky.
• If strippers are involved, don't be the desperate chick that takes off her clothes in front of everyone and tries to hook up with the strippers. If you think you have a chance, it is okay to slip them a number and chat them up, but the second you lose clothing or start making out with them in front of your friends - you will become tomorrow's very sad joke (and the stripper ain't calling you).
• Don't attempt to get the bride drunk and in compromising positions in order to create blackmail photos you can use in the future. While it might seem like the best time, especially since she would never want her significant other to see the pictures, it is decidedly malicious and evil.
• Try not to get drunk enough you actually tell the bride all of the reasons that her fiance is a total douche bag, you will lose a friendship because at this point she isn't leaving the guy. Getting trashed and talking shit about anyone in the wedding party is a bad idea, but especially keep any and all bad thoughts about the groom to yourself - forever if possible (if you haven't said anything by party time - you don't get a say).

Have fun. As much fun as the temperament and ideology of the bride allows, but don't do things that are not going to be fun for the bride, keep things light, fun and amusing without losing your head, your friends or your clothes.

Buying Lingerie

For Men:

• If you are trying to buy lingerie for your significant other - know her size. If you show up with something too small, she will spend the whole night feeling fat, unattractive and you aren't gonna get any. If you show up with something to big - you might as well hand her a greeting card at the same time that says "I think you're a fat ass" - and you won't be getting any. If you don't know her size - get a gift card, or suggest you make it a fun shopping trip together.
• Know what your significant other likes. Believe it or not - part of the purpose of lingerie is for her to be willing to wear it. If you bring home crotchless panties and edible underwear, and she is a strictly babydoll chick - you may end up with no sex AND your girl thinking you are a complete deviant. If you have NO idea what she likes or what she feels sexy wearing - gift cards are God's gift to you, or go shopping together if she's into it.

For Women

• Lingerie was NOT created by the evil establishment (or men) to degrade you. Try it. At least once. You will find that part of the purpose of lingerie is to help you feel sexy, attractive and desireable - thus increasing chances of sex. Don't be surprised if you don't like all of the various types of lingerie, but don't throw out the idea completely because of some antiquated idea that it is evil or degrading.
• You DO need to know what your partner is attracted to. Not all men enjoy the dominatrix complete with leash, whips, chains and leather face mask - regardless of what you have seen in movies. If your guy can only get in the mood when you are dressed in furry bunny costumes - it counts as lingerie (tho you may want him to seek professional help, unless that's how you roll in which case - best of luck).
• Be willing to find a balance, and switch things up. Your Victoria Secret babydoll may be hot as hell, but if that is the ONLY thing you EVER wear when you are in the mood - things will get stale. It isn't that your choice is bad, it's just that everyone needs variety - chocolate is great, but if it is all you could ever eat, you might start to hate it after awhile.
• Role playing and costumes do NOT mean that your guy does not want to be with you. If he didn't want to be with you - he'd find someone else. Every now and then it is just fun to pretend to be someone else. Start worrying if he will ONLY have sex with you when you are wearing the mask of some other chick - like Brittany Spears or Paris Hilton (or seriously worry if he will only have sex with you when wearing the mask of a famous guy).

Lingerie is your friend, but realize sex is best when practiced by more than one person - and you got to think of the other person if you want the lingerie to have the desired effect. There are MANY sites with lingerie at reasonable prices, and the staples are available at every department store or mall. Try lingerie today. You won't regret it.

First Time at a Liquor Store

Now, granted rules at liquor stores in Utah are a little different than anywhere else in the known world because the liquor stores in Utah are state run, but there are some good general rules to follow.

• Before going to the liquor store figure out what ingredients you need for the drinks you would like to make. It is EXTREMELY bad form to continually ask the clerk or other patrons what you will need to make a mojito, martini or rum and coke. If you buy the premade drink mixes for everything - you will deserve the second rate drinks and hangover that follow.
• There is no real dress code when going to the liquor store. You can wear your PJs or a formal suit and no one will care, but if you show up with a ski mask to hide your identity, don't be surprised if you are kicked out (looking like a robber is never a good idea). Dressing like the unibomber to hide your identity is also highly discouraged. Superman and Batman costumes will get VERY strange looks any day except Halloween, but can be explained by "I didn't do laundry and this was all I had left."
  
• Do not show your ID to anyone who does not specifically ask for it. The other patrons honestly do not want to see your mugshot DMV photo. They also, in general, could care less if it is real or if your buddy in science class made it for you.
• Do not ask other patrons for their ID. Unless you are a cop or a clerk in the store, it is none of your GD business whether or not my friend in science class is a master with plastic.
• Do not ask repeated questions about which vodka, whiskey, rum, tequila, ect; is better - there is a reason top shelf booze is called TOP SHELF.

While this does not have to do directly with the liquor store, it needs to be mentioned before the end of the blog...

• If you buy cheap booze, DO NOT bitch about a hangover the next day. When you buy cheap crap mixed with rubbing alcohol to cut the cost - expect a freakin hangover. It's no one's fault but your own that you were to cheap to buy decent alcohol.

Again... Open to questions, comments, ideas... Thanks for reading :D

Intro

This was suggested to me by a friend, in his infinite wisdom (Shak I am TOTALLY blaming u here). It stemmed from a conversation about the rules of etiquette when moving.... Here are the rules decided upon when moving:

• When the previous tenenat of you apartment has not moved out when you arrive to move in; you should have sex with them. They owe it to you for wasting your time.
• If the sex is good, you may exchange numbers, but it is not required - as the person owed you sex to begin with.
• You have permission to pretend to have never met the person if you pass in the street, a bar, liquor store or supermarket.
• You are free to make up any lie about having an evil twin, doppelganger, or alien impersonator if the person pushes the issue.

From here I will be more than happy to take questions, otherwise I will probably just come up with random rules for random situations :D